OVERFLOW POST!!

[tradesecret]

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[syckophant]

They feel wonderful.

[He won't lie. And he melts into the touch, too. He never knew how tense he was until someone had hands on him.]

Never knew I'd be so happy to lose those feathers.

[tradesecret]

[ moving to the other shoulder blade ]

They must be especially heavy when they get wet. And not having horns must make it easier to wash your hair.

[syckophant]

It does.

[He feels freed without those horns, and that thought makes him wonder for a moment about the symbolism of that. They're a heavy weight, symbolizing his sins, painted gold to pretend they are a halo.

Eichi reaches a hand up to run a hand through his hair, over the places where his horns usually are.]

Mmmmh... I don't much care for the huge changes to my body, but I suppose that is just... [What he deserves.]

[tradesecret]

So you'd prefer to be more human, just healthier.

[ stated for clarity's sake, mostly because with all his fluttering and peacocking, it's easy to think he revels in his appearance. ]

[syckophant]

I'm no more or less human for having wings, fangs, claws, or horns. And neither am I more or less healthy.

But it's a lot. Useless wings that cannot fly. A heavy halo. Scales on my fingers, keeping even touch from my grasp. I'm not only a monster, but a malformed thing, with pieces of other things tacked on my form, offering me no advantage and no shortage of trouble.

[tradesecret]

You know... You're really not as monstrous as you think you are.

[ he's a spoiled brat, for sure, but not a monster. ]

[syckophant]

You don't really know me well enough to know that.

[He folds his wings up when she's not focusing on them, heaving a sigh.]

No matter what, I end up making these wrong choice, and I keep doing wicked things, because of how ugly I am inside.

[He just keeps doing awful things like taking Fox prisoner or blackmailing Artemis. A good person would have realized his folly and not done such a thing. A human should have course corrected before taking three days to torment a person before using them as a hostage.]

I keep a lot from you. From everyone.

[tradesecret]

Is it because you fear retribution?

[ she doubts that. Does he feel guilt? Fingers gently tease at any tension in his neck. ]

[syckophant]

Retribution? No.

[He frowns, staying there as Yvette touches his neck, where there is plenty of tension. Keeping his head held up is a lot harder than he'd like it to be.]

I already had that, didn't I? Dying, going to Hell, all of this...? Then people like Shishiou, Kanata, Itsuki-kun, Nagisa... all being here. But they're not, and it's no surprise. After all, this is a punishment.

But my sins are my own. Talking about them with uninvolved parties will not lessen them, and it doesn't change the decisions I make daily. It would just be needlessly making myself vulnerable.

[tradesecret]

Ahh... [ it's like things finally clicked into place. She kneads at tight muscles, trying to loosen them ] so that's why you don't want the rest of us involved. I was thinking, that if you kept things to yourself because you were at least a little mindful of the effect it could have on us, then... Mmm... nevermind.

[ Maybe it's better not to go down this road. Feelings, the implication anyone on unit would actually care is such a land mine. ]

[syckophant]

[Eichi doesn't expect anyone would care, and he's not sure he'd WANT them to. Yvette pf all people seems to him like someone who would only want to know to satisfy her curiosity, and then if anyone else found these weak spots, it would only be to poke at them.]

Maybe that is part of it. I don't want to influence BARiTONES to begrudge any unit because of my sordid past. The way I deal with the people from my home world should only be up to me to decide, and part of what I've decided is to handle it on my own. You know how Kohime can be...

[Protective of him. Needlessly so. It's already bad enough that she knows about Shu.]

Either way, it is not the way of our unit to share such things is it? You don't share your problems. Absinthe does not share his. Alexander is no different. Even Crown keeps to himself. Kohime only allows others to see her because she is reactionary and cannot hide her feelings. Wildfire is just new, and even so... has he truly been vulnerable with us emotionally? Or is he simply doing his own version of masking himself?

[tradesecret]

I don't think any of us are in a position to judge you or be troubled by anything you've done.

But if you were keeping things to yourself not just to hide your vulnerability but also so that others outside our unit don't target us for what you've done... I'm sure you already know, but I do appreciate you taking on the leadership position.

[syckophant]

Itsuki-kun has been here a long time. He has rapport with others despite himself, and he is the one who hates me the most, and overestimates the depths of my depravity, as well as the strength of my influence.

Taking on the leadership role is as much to soothe my battered ego as it is to protect the unit. If someone on our unit does something bad, it should be easy with my reputation to blame it on me and me alone, even if I had no direct hand in it.

[tradesecret]

When you put it that way it sounds more like a self-inflicted punishment than something soothing.

[syckophant]

Is it? To position myself as leader allows me to feel important, despite having really very little to contribute~

And if I'm going go be thrown under the bus for the unit, I might as well own it. Stand tall with my head held high, and au that yes, BARITONES is mine. It also empowers me and in fact, requires me to take disciplinary or punitive action when someone acts in a way I don't agree with.

I cultivate the relationship I have with the unit in declaring the position.

[tradesecret]

And how do you feel about the relationship as it is right now?

[syckophant]

It's fine.

[He shrugs. How else does he describe it? Wildfire isn't obedient and really dislikes him, Absinthe and Alexander are solo artists who present a front of obedience, but they both come off as the 'crooked advisors'. Paloma and Yvette are loyal to their goals, but not necessarily to each other, and Kohime is the only one Eichi actually trusts... to an extent. She's loyal and obedient for the most part, but she can be emotional and that makes it harder to control her.]

...Taking on a leadership role makes me feel responsible for them, which is tough... but it breeds a sense of... paternal... ownership? It's hard to say, but it makes BARiTONES feel like... mine.

[tradesecret]

And how do you feel about our relationship, specifically?

[syckophant]

[???

He's not sure what she is actually asking. For what reason should she be concerned about the relationship that they share?]

It is professional.

I can't bring myself to like or dislike someone who refuses to have their own identity.

[tradesecret]

And that's fine, that you don't like or dislike me. You don't need to have an impression of someone that's meant to be forgotten.

[ her hands trail from his neck to his shoulders. ]

[syckophant]

...You're an idiot if you think you'll be forgotten.

[He doesn't turn to her, just pulling his wings down to allow her to reach his shoulders more easily.]

BARiTONES is where it is because of you, and they all gravitate to you. It just seems like a pointless endeavor, trying to be forgotten, trying to remove your identity, while also trying to better the lives of those around you.

[tradesecret]

[ she can't begin to unpack how she feels about Ayumu failing to forget her, so she laughs and rubs more vigorously at Eichi's shoulders. Running away in some form of work. ]

I haven't done much; just identified a gap and filled it. Anyone could do what I do, and I'd gladly teach anyone who wishes to learn.

[syckophant]

[It feels nice, if Eichi is honest. A massage. He isn't distracted by it, though.]

It's something only you can do- balancing BARiTONES' emotionally disconnected and vicious nature with public relations, sanding down our edges without making us something that we aren't. It's something you can teach others to do, but it is not something that many are willing to do. Myself as well, if I'm honest.

[tradesecret]

It sounds far more successful on paper than it is in practice, but if the result is something you don't dislike... then I'll continue doing what I've been doing.

Gosh, I'm sorry I got us into such a heavy conversation.

cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry

[syckophant]

It's something you're interested in, so it's fine.

[He pauses on that thought for a moment, as if connecting some dots.]

...A lot of kids died because of me. Back home. I made a system designed to crush dreams, and it induced such despair... that they took their lives. I wanted to make things better, and I still don't know if it was all worth it.

[She HAD seemed interested in knowing, after all.]

I used my power to bend and break people, to ruin their lives and tear apart friendships. I turned the whole world on others... people I considered friends or foes, in order to force them to behave the way I wanted them to.

And the very worst part is that I don't even have the decency to be wicked. I'm just a... stupid... sick boy... and I have the gall to cry out for help in my sleep, as if I deserve it. Almost no one can even hate me properly, when I should rightly be hated.