[ she had seen the incident with Harpy and just decided not to interfere. Her eyes linger on those, but she decides to spare him the lecture. He knows what she'll say, so she'll just go to the washing area, humming that weird ghost song she heard Paloma hum in the House. ]
[He does know, and he doesn't want to have to argue that this is his self-flagellation for what happened. He doesn't want to admit that he feels like he needs to.
He feels his skin crawl as Yvette hums, and he shivers and holds himself for a moment before he finishes undressing and begins to wash himself off.]
[ iridescent pink and yellow scales surface as she rinses off her legs, bright, glistening, unavoidable. She frowns a little at that, keeps going. ]
No. Everyone protected me. And despite getting separated, I was fortunate enough to avoid running into others. I ended up getting snacks, reading a lot of books and we hit a little snag with a zrael, but Paloma and I managed.
[ Washing her hair as she answers, nonchalant, as if this was about a grocery list ]
According one study, death by manual strangulation tends to be a crime committed where the offender knows the victim, often to exert physical and psychological control over them. As such, a history of it shows up in domestic violence cases and many instances of sexual violence. Assuming the attack happened facing the victim, the attacker wants to see their victim's face, their reaction, the life slipping from their eyes. Not to romanticize it.
[He understands wanting to control him. He's a wild beast, a monster unchained, just as Leo had said. And he can't deny... his own allure to being choked... as much as he probably should.]
... Like putting on a leash that one can't escape from.
[He's finished scrubbing down by then, and he doesn't really bother hiding his body when he finally looks to Yvette.]
[He feels freed without those horns, and that thought makes him wonder for a moment about the symbolism of that. They're a heavy weight, symbolizing his sins, painted gold to pretend they are a halo.
Eichi reaches a hand up to run a hand through his hair, over the places where his horns usually are.]
Mmmmh... I don't much care for the huge changes to my body, but I suppose that is just... [What he deserves.]
I'm no more or less human for having wings, fangs, claws, or horns. And neither am I more or less healthy.
But it's a lot. Useless wings that cannot fly. A heavy halo. Scales on my fingers, keeping even touch from my grasp. I'm not only a monster, but a malformed thing, with pieces of other things tacked on my form, offering me no advantage and no shortage of trouble.
You don't really know me well enough to know that.
[He folds his wings up when she's not focusing on them, heaving a sigh.]
No matter what, I end up making these wrong choice, and I keep doing wicked things, because of how ugly I am inside.
[He just keeps doing awful things like taking Fox prisoner or blackmailing Artemis. A good person would have realized his folly and not done such a thing. A human should have course corrected before taking three days to torment a person before using them as a hostage.]
[He frowns, staying there as Yvette touches his neck, where there is plenty of tension. Keeping his head held up is a lot harder than he'd like it to be.]
I already had that, didn't I? Dying, going to Hell, all of this...? Then people like Shishiou, Kanata, Itsuki-kun, Nagisa... all being here. But they're not, and it's no surprise. After all, this is a punishment.
But my sins are my own. Talking about them with uninvolved parties will not lessen them, and it doesn't change the decisions I make daily. It would just be needlessly making myself vulnerable.
Ahh... [ it's like things finally clicked into place. She kneads at tight muscles, trying to loosen them ] so that's why you don't want the rest of us involved. I was thinking, that if you kept things to yourself because you were at least a little mindful of the effect it could have on us, then... Mmm... nevermind.
[ Maybe it's better not to go down this road. Feelings, the implication anyone on unit would actually care is such a land mine. ]
[Eichi doesn't expect anyone would care, and he's not sure he'd WANT them to. Yvette pf all people seems to him like someone who would only want to know to satisfy her curiosity, and then if anyone else found these weak spots, it would only be to poke at them.]
Maybe that is part of it. I don't want to influence BARiTONES to begrudge any unit because of my sordid past. The way I deal with the people from my home world should only be up to me to decide, and part of what I've decided is to handle it on my own. You know how Kohime can be...
[Protective of him. Needlessly so. It's already bad enough that she knows about Shu.]
Either way, it is not the way of our unit to share such things is it? You don't share your problems. Absinthe does not share his. Alexander is no different. Even Crown keeps to himself. Kohime only allows others to see her because she is reactionary and cannot hide her feelings. Wildfire is just new, and even so... has he truly been vulnerable with us emotionally? Or is he simply doing his own version of masking himself?
I don't think any of us are in a position to judge you or be troubled by anything you've done.
But if you were keeping things to yourself not just to hide your vulnerability but also so that others outside our unit don't target us for what you've done... I'm sure you already know, but I do appreciate you taking on the leadership position.
Itsuki-kun has been here a long time. He has rapport with others despite himself, and he is the one who hates me the most, and overestimates the depths of my depravity, as well as the strength of my influence.
Taking on the leadership role is as much to soothe my battered ego as it is to protect the unit. If someone on our unit does something bad, it should be easy with my reputation to blame it on me and me alone, even if I had no direct hand in it.
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He feels his skin crawl as Yvette hums, and he shivers and holds himself for a moment before he finishes undressing and begins to wash himself off.]
You never died then, did you? In that house?
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No. Everyone protected me. And despite getting separated, I was fortunate enough to avoid running into others. I ended up getting snacks, reading a lot of books and we hit a little snag with a zrael, but Paloma and I managed.
[ they killed her. ]
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[That explains it. Eichi didn't mind the possession at the time, but it's hard to think back on how his thoughts were so warped.]
I was choked to death twice. I wonder why that was how they killed me.
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[It HAD been rhetorical but he hadn't expected her to have an answer. But he's curious enough, he'll bite.]
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According one study, death by manual strangulation tends to be a crime committed where the offender knows the victim, often to exert physical and psychological control over them. As such, a history of it shows up in domestic violence cases and many instances of sexual violence. Assuming the attack happened facing the victim, the attacker wants to see their victim's face, their reaction, the life slipping from their eyes. Not to romanticize it.
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[He understands wanting to control him. He's a wild beast, a monster unchained, just as Leo had said. And he can't deny... his own allure to being choked... as much as he probably should.]
... Like putting on a leash that one can't escape from.
[He's finished scrubbing down by then, and he doesn't really bother hiding his body when he finally looks to Yvette.]
I could use a little help with my wings now.
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[ Extending a wing gently and scrubbing it with a light hand, humming a different tune, since the other one was unsettling. ]
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[And he's without feathers, too.] Don't be too gentle, or they won't even get cleaned.
[His wings curl a little, testing new joints that hadn't been there on his feathered wings.]
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[ scrubbing with a little more vigor, massaging at the juncture of wing and shoulder blade ]
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[He won't lie. And he melts into the touch, too. He never knew how tense he was until someone had hands on him.]
Never knew I'd be so happy to lose those feathers.
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They must be especially heavy when they get wet. And not having horns must make it easier to wash your hair.
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[He feels freed without those horns, and that thought makes him wonder for a moment about the symbolism of that. They're a heavy weight, symbolizing his sins, painted gold to pretend they are a halo.
Eichi reaches a hand up to run a hand through his hair, over the places where his horns usually are.]
Mmmmh... I don't much care for the huge changes to my body, but I suppose that is just... [What he deserves.]
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[ stated for clarity's sake, mostly because with all his fluttering and peacocking, it's easy to think he revels in his appearance. ]
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But it's a lot. Useless wings that cannot fly. A heavy halo. Scales on my fingers, keeping even touch from my grasp. I'm not only a monster, but a malformed thing, with pieces of other things tacked on my form, offering me no advantage and no shortage of trouble.
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[ he's a spoiled brat, for sure, but not a monster. ]
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[He folds his wings up when she's not focusing on them, heaving a sigh.]
No matter what, I end up making these wrong choice, and I keep doing wicked things, because of how ugly I am inside.
[He just keeps doing awful things like taking Fox prisoner or blackmailing Artemis. A good person would have realized his folly and not done such a thing. A human should have course corrected before taking three days to torment a person before using them as a hostage.]
I keep a lot from you. From everyone.
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[ she doubts that. Does he feel guilt? Fingers gently tease at any tension in his neck. ]
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[He frowns, staying there as Yvette touches his neck, where there is plenty of tension. Keeping his head held up is a lot harder than he'd like it to be.]
I already had that, didn't I? Dying, going to Hell, all of this...? Then people like Shishiou, Kanata, Itsuki-kun, Nagisa... all being here. But they're not, and it's no surprise. After all, this is a punishment.
But my sins are my own. Talking about them with uninvolved parties will not lessen them, and it doesn't change the decisions I make daily. It would just be needlessly making myself vulnerable.
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[ Maybe it's better not to go down this road. Feelings, the implication anyone on unit would actually care is such a land mine. ]
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Maybe that is part of it. I don't want to influence BARiTONES to begrudge any unit because of my sordid past. The way I deal with the people from my home world should only be up to me to decide, and part of what I've decided is to handle it on my own. You know how Kohime can be...
[Protective of him. Needlessly so. It's already bad enough that she knows about Shu.]
Either way, it is not the way of our unit to share such things is it? You don't share your problems. Absinthe does not share his. Alexander is no different. Even Crown keeps to himself. Kohime only allows others to see her because she is reactionary and cannot hide her feelings. Wildfire is just new, and even so... has he truly been vulnerable with us emotionally? Or is he simply doing his own version of masking himself?
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But if you were keeping things to yourself not just to hide your vulnerability but also so that others outside our unit don't target us for what you've done... I'm sure you already know, but I do appreciate you taking on the leadership position.
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Taking on the leadership role is as much to soothe my battered ego as it is to protect the unit. If someone on our unit does something bad, it should be easy with my reputation to blame it on me and me alone, even if I had no direct hand in it.
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cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry
Re: cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry
Re: cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry
Re: cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry
Re: cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry
Re: cw: s.. uicide... talk... I'm so sorry
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